A collection of print-related limericks sent in by Greg Fischer, who spent 42 years working on the Trentonian newspaper in Trenton, New Jersey, USA.<\/p>\n
A machinist who came from Timor
\nChanged magazines often before.
\nBut the lock wasn’t tight
\nTo the left, but was right.
\nAnd he dumped mats all over the floor.<\/p>\n
A Linotype man from L.A.
\nWas having a difficult day.
\nWith fingers abused
\nETAOIN was used
\nAnd SHRDLU brought into play.<\/p>\n
A newspaper man from LaCrosse
\nSaw his paper ran at a loss.
\nHe hollered “Oh No!
\nMy Hoe is too slow!”
\nAnd traded it in for a Goss.<\/p>\n
An Intertype gal from LeMans
\nSets type with both of her hands.
\nAnd sometimes her toes
\nAnd the tip of her nose.
\nWhatever production demands.<\/p>\n
A nasty old pressman I knew
\nGot to hell without much ado.
\nSatan said “You have sinned,”
\nAs he devilishly grinned
\n“What a press I’ve here waiting for you!”<\/p>\n
A German man quite laconic
\nWould print things only teutonic.
\nLike instructions for strudles
\nSauerbraten with noodles
\nAnd notes for the Bonn Philharmonic.<\/p>\n
A short-legged man from Seville
\nBuilt his shop on the side of a hill.
\nAfter printing away
\nFor a year and a day
\nHe discovered one leg shorter still.<\/p>\n
A printer who lives in Sudan
\nRuns his press just as fast as he can.
\nTo make matters worse
\nHe once ran in reverse
\nAnd finished before he began.<\/p>\n
A pressman who’s now in perdition
\nCame to work in a drunken condition.
\nHe fell in the press
\nWhich made quite a mess.
\nIt was surely his final edition.<\/p>\n
A fellow who worked in Pocasset
\nPrinted a job for the Knesset.
\nIt didn’t delight
\nFor it read left to right
\nWhich was backwards, but he didn’t guess it.<\/p>\n
“My press” said a printer in Ghent
\n“Was pedaled so fast that it bent.
\nThis meddlesome treadle
\nUnsettled my mettle,
\nSo for one from John Hern I have sent.”<\/p>\n
At the Linotype he was quite new.
\nDid not know quite what to do.
\nA careless tight line
\nBrought a scream, then a whine
\nAs typemetal spattered his shoe.<\/p>\n
There once was a man from Luzerne
\nWho did printing carelessly learn.
\nWith a slip of the wrist
\nBy his press he was kissed
\nAnd he no longer can “Work and turn.”<\/p>\n
A printer who worked in Lahore
\nHad legs all tired and sore.
\n“If I had but a Kimble
\nI could be quite nimble
\nFor I would treadle no more.”<\/p>\n
A printer in Hades from Islet
\nSoon by the devil was met.
\nWho with eyes all agleam
\nSaid “Take this machine,
\nYou’ve an acre of agate to set.”<\/p>\n
An engraver, an unhappy wretch
\nHad a problem he just couldn’t catch.
\nHe said “I don’t know
\nWhy this bath works so slow,
\nBut this looks like a seven year etch.”<\/p>\n
“Be a six year apprentice” they said.
\n“With a permanent job just ahead.”
\nBut his joy soon diminished
\nAs soon as he finished.
\n“Going cold type, hot metal is dead!”<\/p>\n
A printer who worked in Bangkok
\nHad a turtle he kept in his shop.
\nNot the kind you might know
\nThat walks pretty slow
\nBut with wheels and cast iron top.<\/p>\n
An Intertype man from Alsace
\nWhen involved in a typesetting race,
\nYelled “I’ll win in a breeze!”
\nAs smoke rose from the keys
\nAnd he set a blistering pace.
\nHe set type in total confusion.
\nHis skills were just an illusion.
\nAnd one time he bent
\nWhere the elevator went
\nAnd suffered a massive contusion.<\/p>\n
A Linotype man, problematic
\nDrove the machinist quite frantic.
\nHe’d send a tight line
\nBut most of the time
\nHe was saved by the vise automatic.<\/p>\n
Miss Mary the old fashioned printer,
\nWhy printing was all she was inter.
\nWith arms all akimbo
\nThis robotic bimbo
\nWould quake from her front to her hinter!<\/p>\n
One day while treadling her press,
\nA gear caught her old-fashioned dress.
\nAs it got torn away
\nShe was heard to say
\n“I got caught, but I wasn’t impressed!”<\/p>\n
There once was a pressman from Bligh,
\nWho worked while wearing a tie.
\nAs the cylinder turned
\nHe suddenly learned
\nThe effect of type meeting the eye.<\/p>\n
A printer who worked in Des Moines
\nForgot to tighten a quoin.
\nAs the press went around
\nThe type fell to the ground
\nWhich he found extremely annoying.<\/p>\n
A Printer who came from Orleans
\nDisdained Italic it seems.
\n“I really hate
\nThat it won’t stand up straight.
\nI’m annoyed by the way that it leans.”<\/p>\n
A printer of art in Oshgosh
\nSaid his four-color job was a wash.
\nThe ink went to hell
\nBut they couldn’t tell
\nPicasso from Hieronymus Bosch<\/p>\n
To save rent a printer from Brewer
\nSet up his shop in a sewer.
\nHe paid little rent
\nBut the jobs that he scent
\nMade his customers phewer and fewer<\/p>\n
Of course he is getting slow.
\nIt’s all that asbestos, you know.
\nAnd deadly pot fumes
\nIn hot little rooms
\nIt’s a wonder there aint no Mo!<\/p>\n
A printer of old worked with lead.
\n“It’s bad for you!” it was said.
\nHe would cry with a jeer
\n“I’ll live many a year!”
\nBut at age 99 he was dead.<\/p>\n
There was a young lady from Rye
\nWho boiled some press parts in lye.
\nBut she had a mishap
\nSome spilled in her lap
\nAnd ate away part of her thigh.<\/p>\n
A printer from old Mandalay
\nTold of a most painful day.
\nHe started to pedal
\nOne foot under the treadle.
\nNow some toes will bend either way.<\/p>\n
There once was a printer named Fred
\nWho had dirty rags up to his head.
\nWith a pile that high
\nAnd the EPA guy
\nHe now uses Kleenex instead.<\/p>\n
Did you enjoy these limericks? <\/strong>If so, you may be interested to know that they appear in “Printers’ Tales”<\/strong><\/a> available as a paperback or ebook.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"